b!#&*$ be provokin'.

Observation.

2010-07-19T18:33:00.000-07:00

Heartbreak

As an outsider looking in, I noticed that after a heartbreak, you can go one of two ways. One: You acknowledge the pain, but you don't let it swallow you. You use your pain as a push to make yourself a better person so you won't feel that pain again. It's like when you talk back to your mom & she pops you in the mouth & you learn to mumble to yourself from now on. Two: You can let that pain smother you into idiocracy & clutch on to the first thing that makes you feel alive & well, even if you know that it's only temporary. Even if you know that you might get hurt again. It's like when you're hanging out pass the curfew your mom set for you & instead of going home a little late & deal with the slight punishment, you live it up because "hey, I'm already in trouble, might as well have fun before I get grounded."

All I can say is, I don't want to have no part of it.

Pause! - Volume One

2010-07-12T00:13:00.000-07:00

This one is for the fellas!!!!

Yes, yes, the time is here where my gears grinds me to the point of no return. The point in time where I jab my fingers at the keyboard, full of rage. Why? Because people are messing up again & it's time for me to start teachin' some lessons about what's right & what's dead ass wrong.

So yeah, this is one is for the fellas!!!!

Check it out, "Toot it & boot it" = good concept, bad choice of words. You can not be a self respecting, heterosexual man & let the word "Toot" come out of your mouth. I mean, come on. If you're gay, by all means, "Toot" away because honestly to "Toot" sounds like gay sex. But if you're a hardcore, I'm manlier than the next man type of guy, don't ever say "Toot" to a smart girl an expect good results because us smart girls will try to make you our bestfriends so we can watch Sex & The City together & pine over Mr. Big & Aiden while we pumice our feet & wear pink. You can't be a "hood ass nigga" when you say things like toot. That's real suspect.

Tooting can also mean snorting & if you're a druggie, by all means snort away. Just don't try to steal my things for drug money, that's not cool. WTF...Toot? Seriously. That's something you keep as an inside joke...on the inside. Within walls, with your homies right before you say "no homo."

If you want to brag about having sex with a girl and leaving her, say it in a normal manly way. Use harsh obscenities like "fuck" or "smash" something that sounds like a bad ass action movie. Not "Toot". Oh lawd!

Which brings me to another point. If you're a guy & you wear like serious skinny jeans, you are not allowed to be a homophobe @ all. Because you are a poser. You can't steal a style originated by females & adopted by gay men have the nerve to talk shit about them. How about pay some homage? Be proggressive.

All that, I'm a man & I hate gay guys, it's ridiculous. You can't steal there sayings & fashion & spit in their face, I'm just saying. Know your role & stick to it. Choose a side.

Let me summarize: Don't half ass it. It's either your heterosexual or homosexual. Make your decision because nobody likes a coward.

ohh jason lewis how i heart thee!

2010-05-28T14:05:00.000-07:00

from young jason lewis

to jason lewis and rasario dawson

to the jason lewis of today.

It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia.

2010-05-25T21:32:00.000-07:00

I can never get tired of watching this episode. If you don't watch this show, watch it now.

2010-05-25T01:35:00.000-07:00

I wouldn't know what to do with another
chance,
if you gave it to me
I couldn't take the embrace of a real
romance,
it'd race right through me.

I'm much better off the way
things are...
Much much better off, better by far, by far...

Swagger Wagon.

2010-05-06T23:52:00.000-07:00

Ultimate hilarium. In a way, this video says so much about current Hip Hop acts & what they need to retire. On a different note, this video is BAD ASS & PARENTS ROCK!

Under The Scope.

2010-04-27T01:41:00.000-07:00

I like how Curren$y moves.

The Magical Amount

2010-04-26T20:10:00.000-07:00

i was randomly singing this today.

Zach De La Rocha.

2010-04-15T01:36:00.000-07:00

OH MY GOD! He was even more adorable when he was younger. Square looking, but young & handsome.

UbyKotex - Reality Check

2010-04-14T16:34:00.000-07:00

so as i laid on my bed thinking periods are stupid and annoing this comes on and i couldn't help but say u tell em mister sister!!!!!

October 27, 2007 7:38pm

2010-03-24T23:36:00.000-07:00

I was going through my old blog & stumbled upon this & I couldn't stop laughing. When I was reading this, I went back in time & I felt the same way. I'm such a renegade.

(artwork by your truly, lol.)

it sucks when things hits the mainstream world. what am i talking about exactly, "sneaker culture." and for those who are still clueless on wtf i'm talking about, i'm talking about all u "shoe heads, sneaker fiends, nike junkies". it was cool @ first because it was rare 2 find a person who truly collects shoes and appreciates them. now, everybody & their moms are "shoe heads." & now it's not even about the essence of sneaker collecting, it's about who has the most expensive shoes. annoying. it's starting 2 feel like everyone is posing. but i can't blame the posers, they're just trying 2 find themselves.

also, all this "Eighties" throwback shit is getting old. the gold ropes, the word "fresh", i never want 2 here anything about thing about the "Eighties" again. i'm proud that everyone in my generation is trying 2 seem different, but honestly, they're all the same. it's sick. sheesh.

i love u,

JFK.

Hands Off!

2010-03-24T22:04:00.000-07:00

I wish I saw this shirt about two weeks ago. This screams "birthday shirt."

Oh yeah, my birthday is on Friday. Usually like a month earlier I would make a list of things I want, but fuck that. I don't want nothing from anybody. :) I just want to chill & smile.

Dear Jay-Z.

2010-03-23T22:21:00.000-07:00

Dear Jay-Z,

When you decided to grow out your hair, I must say that was my favorite look from you. You're one of the greatest rappers alive. Hands down.

Love, JFK

A Rant From A Romantic.

2010-03-22T01:14:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking as I do every second along with periodically watching movies & it just brought about a thought I absolutely hate thinking about. I hate when people take love for granted.

For the cheaters out there, you sick fuckers, there are people out there who crave & die for the love that you misuse every time you cheat. It's kind of like wasting perfectly good food in front of someone who's starving. Don't do that! Don't misuse love, it's so fucking unfair. When you cheat, it's equivalent to the rich burning money in front of the poor & hungry. It's equivalent to you buying an outfit that you knew your friend wanted & stressed how much she loved it.

It's one of life's missions to search for love and when people take it for granted it so fucking stupid to me.

I can understand that there are times when relationships can happen & the two people don't have mutual feelings, but one-sided relationships are painful & unnecessary. If you don't love a person, set them free to find love somewhere else. Let them be able to find something or someone special while they live on this piece of shit called Earth. Let there be some fondness, some light in there world of darkness. Don't be greedy. Don't be selfish.

If your not going to love them back, atleast do them the favor of setting them free. You fucks.

Anna Del Russo

2010-03-16T10:20:00.000-07:00

I'm shoe hungry!

Boombox.

2010-03-16T10:13:00.000-07:00

Whoever's dating Andy Samberg...I'm EXTREMELY jealous. Oh & Julian Casablanca, I didn't know you were so hot, lol. I'm bad, I know.

I want something serious with you...

2010-03-15T00:43:00.000-07:00

Song Of The Day.

2010-03-10T21:58:00.000-08:00

"Violet" by Hole. Back when Courtney Love was cool. Her voice is entrapping.

I'll Rise.

2010-03-10T00:37:00.000-08:00

Thank whoever for Maya Angelou & thank Ben Harper for illustrating this poem even more. I love this song, I love this poem.

You may write me down in history
with your bitter twisted lies
you may tread me down in the very dirt
and still like the dust I'll rise
does my happiness upset you
why are you beset with gloom
Cause I laugh like I've got an oil well
pumpin' in my living room

So you may shoot me with your words
you may cut me with your eyes
and I'll rise
I'll rise
I'll rise
out of the shacks of history's shame
up from a past rooted in pain
I'll rise
I'll rise
I'll rise

Now did you want to see me broken
bowed head and lowered eyes
shoulders fallen down like tear drops
weakened by my soulful cries

Does my confidence upset you
don't you take it awful hard
cause I walk like I've got a diamond mine
breakin' up in my front yard

So you may shoot me with your words
you may cut me with your eyes
and I'll rise
I'll rise
I'll rise
out of the shacks of history's shame
up from a past rooted in pain
I'll rise
I'll rise
I'll rise

So you may write me down in history
with your bitter twisted lies
you may tread me down in the very dirt
and still like the dust I'll rise
does my happiness upset you
why are you beset with gloom
cause I laugh like I've got a goldmine
Diggin' up in my living room

So you may shoot me with your words
you may cut me with your eyes
and I'll rise
I'll rise
I'll rise
out of the shacks of history's shame
up from a past rooted in pain
I'll rise
I'll rise
I'll rise

Ha!

2010-03-05T00:10:00.000-08:00

Stoked.

2010-03-01T23:48:00.000-08:00

Finally! A photoshoot! I'm shooting Trey Billion. (I love photographer lingo.) He's a cool guy with cool rhymes. He's stoked & I'm stoked. Check out his MySpace.

Pomegrante & Mint.

2010-02-27T12:37:00.000-08:00

Hookah last night @ my new favorite lounge where there's no hidden fees. The mix of pomegrante & mint left me feeling eased & refreshed thinking, "What's there to complain about again?" Hookah does somebody good.

"Black cloud in the palm of my hand."

2010-02-26T12:39:00.000-08:00

Tsk, tsk, tsk. This week through all the laughter I've managed to maintain, has still turned out to be a BUMMER! Let me give you a play by play:

I found out that I might not have a job this summer, (For those of you who don't know, I work for the city in the summer as a Camp Counselor. I spread cheer, joy & beautiful havoc throughout the park, sending children home with smiles of elation from all the shenanigans & learning-filled activities we engage in.) due to the city approving 4,000 lay-offs of city employees, 1,100 of them being employees in Recreation & Parks. That decision being a slippery slope for other things, but that's another post in itself. No summer job for me = no money = no moving out of my mom's house by September.

The youth marriage rate & pregnancy rate are way too high.

I made plans earlier this week to go to my friend's birthday shimdig located downtown, but I have to work & that's not even the killer part. The killer part is, after work, I have no way to get there. I feel extremely bad for not being able to go because I told him I was & this was one of those moments in life where I was not trying to flake.

So I got this super dope outfit to wear & learned how to do smoky eyeshadow which I was going to wear with my outfit (I know I sound like a girl, but I was fuckin' excited.) & I was going to wear to his party, but wait a minute, I can't go. So I decide to go do some hookah all night long since the lounge I go to isn't far from my job. BAM! The weather channel's website is telling me it's going to flippin' rain tonight. Tonight! Rain, you really have to come tonight? You damn bastard, I hope you catch herpes!

On top of that, I'm tired of the angst I feel towards my generation. I'm tired of feeling like no one cares. I'm tired of feeling & knowing that my generation is the generation of no one & the in-betweeners (meaning that before us were great people & after us will be great people.) I'm tired of feeling like my generation of men are sissies & everyone's stupid. I'm tired of caring that no one cares.

Yesterday in a conversation with Sunnii last night, she gave up & told me straight up that "the bad guys win." You mean to tell me that every fuck up that ever fucks up get to get away with his fuck up with no consequences? You mean to tell me that, if you're mean & unremorseful that you'll live prosperous? So the sadist & all the horrible people inbetween become successful & the passionate people who wants better for society die in the dumps, their passion unknown & cause unseen?

It sucks because I am fighting everyday not to feel that way. It's really hard too because being the intellectual person I am, I notice the "bad guys win" theme in every great story in of great revolutionaries, activist & rebels. Malcolm X was killed by his own people, black people, those people who were pimped by the bad guys. The bad guys probably told them that if you kill Malcolm X we'll make sure you'll live well. In the end, the bad guys tricked them & now those same black people who killed the black man that wanted rights for black people rotted in jail with their black asses & the bad guys remained untouched.

Che was killed almost the same way. His own people killed him, being misinformed about who was wrong & who was right. So Che lost, the people who killed him lost & the bad guys are untouched.

Harvey Milk by a closet homosexual, but the bad guys didn't even have to plan that. That was a bonus for them.

I could go on & on. But, think about all the shitty people, & i mean straight shitty, you know in your life that are living better than you & it's not because you don't try hard enough to live well, it's because they have the luck of the fucking Irish for some god damn reason.

Why does the good guys have to carry the burden? Los Angeles has a 100 million dollar deficit & who knows how it got there, but why does the poor innocent children of LA have to suffer for these irresponsible adults? We cut aways their parks and now they have to suffer in a more crime filled LA. NO ONE BETTER SIT THERE & EVEN THINK ABOUT WONDERING WHY OUR CHILDREN ARE TURNING TO SHIT WHEN WE ARE CUTTING OUT THEIR RESOURCES TO HAVING A HEALTHY CHILDHOOD & BEING GOOD PEOPLE. If ever you see any vandalism or disrespect coming from our children, it's because of these irresponsible adults!

On the flipside, why is it that in every story about great activist, the great person who faught for our freedom was taken down by their own people?! I mean, WHAT THE FUCK! Why couldn't those idiots be smart enough to know that the odds are against them & if they kill the person who is for them, that they are going to lose in the end? Why is that the natural order of things? If you fight the system, you will die. I'm suppose to want to fight the system when it's wrong, not buckle under pressure because I'm afraid to die! Why can't I keep my life & help gay be able to marry or stop harassment from police against the black youth?

I have a mouth full of words for the black youth & just black people in general, but that's another post.

I had to unload that. These are my everyday thoughts.

Contribute to the greater good or we'll all turn to shit:

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/savelaparks

Sign the petition to keep our crime rate where it is, not increased.

Song Of The Day.

2010-02-24T21:01:00.000-08:00

Thank you Pony!

Valentine's Special.

2010-02-23T12:33:00.000-08:00

Late, but it's still great. Enjoy mate!

The Anthem of 2010.

2010-02-15T13:01:00.000-08:00

So this has pretty much been my attitude of this year & same thing for Sunnii. You fuckin' up, whatever dude - on to the next one.

Important PSA about the Valentine's Vlog.

2010-02-14T00:53:00.001-08:00

Song Of The Day.

2010-02-02T12:54:00.000-08:00

I like the uptempo & dips of Caleb's voice.

Black History Month.

2010-02-01T14:38:00.000-08:00

I'm passed the point of me saying, "Black History Month? Why can't we celebrate our history all year? This is dumb." Fuck it. It's only this month where most black people want to get in touch with themselves. It's only this month where great black people come from the back of the deep archives of history and is injected into mainstream for everyone to see. It's black history month and I'm going to do an assignment I made up myself.

Lately, I have not been a fan of black people. Our lack of culture due to slavery making us a living contradiction is starting to get to my brain. So my plan is to blog about some cool black people throughout this month so I can really start to love & appreciate my people. This is for the self-loathing, irritated, frustrated black people who are inches away from giving up on our people in general. This is for the other ethnicities who don't think shit of black people and think that our greatest treasures in life our money, cars, ho's & clothes and being able to say that we have a black president.

I'm not going to blog about the great black people that we always talk about, the regulars like George Washington Carver, Martin Luther King, Rosa Parks or Frederick Douglas. You know, the only black people you were allowed to learn about in elementary school. But I will talk about Malcolm X because I absolutely love him. I want to research black people who we hardly ever talk about. I want to shed some light on the ones who are underrated. The more black people I blog about, the more black people my age & myself will realize how great we are as a people.

Yep, that's my plan.

Starting tomorrow because I have to go to work soon.

!!!!!!!!!!

"I rock like Kelly Bundy..."

2010-01-27T00:04:00.000-08:00

Married With Children can be funny at times but I must say that the plot of the show, grinds my gears. But that's beside the point, I was watching Married With Children a couple of weeks back & then glanced at it today & I realized that Kelly Bundy was really bomb. Her style along with her bleach blonde hair is vicious. If I was white, I'd probably try to pull off her look. LOL.

Hello, this is M.I.A.

2010-01-26T02:44:00.000-08:00

I was listening to "Amazon" by M.I.A. & decided to share.

1 of the 25.

2010-01-20T22:01:00.000-08:00

You can't tell me that he's not fine.

Myrna Wackov

2010-01-20T13:42:00.000-08:00

Water paint. When I think of water paint, I think of light & fluffy landscapes & sceneries that don't interest me. Then I came across Myrna Wackov's blog and was blown away by the depth in the paints I saw and I was like "Water Paint? Whaaaaaaaat?" LOL. Made me want to experiment and see if I can come out with something, not as good as this, but just something.

Drapes Rule!

2010-01-16T18:59:00.000-08:00

Cry Baby is a pretty funny movie.

I think this group is sooo bomb.
Drapes go so hard.

But The Cry-Babys go even harder
My favorite is between Wanda(the red head) and Hatchet-face(weird face).

Fuck You

2010-01-14T16:18:00.000-08:00

this song has been in my head for a week.

The Guide To A Successful 2010 - Part Two.

2010-01-10T12:20:00.000-08:00

There are going to be a lot of road blocks as you go through this winding road that some call life. Atleast be able to say that your are not one of them. I've said this before in one of my previous post & now I'm going to say it again - If you are unhappy with your life or things in your life, change it, fix it or get rid of it. Okay, let me break down something. What you are living now is your life & your job, your boyfriend/girfriend, your friends, anything material & even your family are attachments. Unless the attachments of your life is what you want as of this very moment or every current second of your life, they're nothing but excuses & inhibitions. So what I'm trying to say is that if the attachments of your life are not contributing to the betterment of your welfare, you don't need them, they're dead weight. If you want to get happy & have a successful 2010, you have to get rid of dead weight also known as useless attachments. Dead weight drags you down until you can't move. Don't be a drama whore because it'll get you nowhere & nothing, but stress, weight, grey hairs & wrinkles. Stress can lead to sickness, seriously. Dead weight/Useless Attachments are basically the losers or losers that pose like winners in life who latch on to people who are trying to make something of themselves. They're too lazy to get up and try to fix their own life & make something out of themselves so they leech off of the ambitious people, praying for the day to come where they miraculously get the energy to do something themselves. That day will never come until you drop they asses. They will suck you dry if you don't drop them. They get in your way & block your progression because they don't want to be left behind. They'll do anythng to convince you that you need them in your life (which is stupid because they could put that same effort into getting what they want out of life), but trust me, you don't need them. Matter of fact, without them in your life, you can save money & time that you can use getting the pleasures out of life. In reality, they need you & your awesomeness. Don't let people take your awesomeness from you. Tell them to get their own because you need that awesomeness for yourself, to live your own life. Get it in your head that you don't need anyone who doesn't have something to offer you.

On the flip side, don't burn your bridges. Don't go around saying "fuck off" to everyone or everything you don't need. I said "get rid of dead weight," but not all dead weight stays dead. You might need that dead weight when they come back alive so keep your options open, if you can. I'm not saying be polite to every douche bag in your life that you think is dead weight for the fact they might come in handy later. That's not possible & plus it's aggravating. I'm saying, if you tell the loser that you're moving on with your life & they understand & let you move on, you might want to keep them around.

Do what you say & say what you mean. Take iniatitive. It's good when your word actually means something. So don't make promises you can't keep & keep the promises you make. This surely saves time & heartbreaks. Once you do this, people will trust you. It's good to have people who trust you, they give you things, maybe even money. Be a stand up person.

Oh yeah & stop trying to please everyone. Anyone who loves you will want to see you happy. I don't know why, it's just apart of life. When you love someone, their smile makes you smile. If someone really loves you, they won't mind when you say no every now & then. & it is okay to say no.

You are the tool to a great life.

Pinpoints of this post:

Fix things that you are unhappy with.
Ditch the dead weight.
Do what you say & say what you mean.
Stop trying to please everyone.
You are the tool to a great life.

To be continued...

Love Doodle.

2010-01-09T01:30:00.000-08:00

Sometimes you can't stand the ones you love.

1PM Doodlings.

2010-01-09T01:27:00.000-08:00

I hate when I upload my pictures to Photobucket, it distorts my pictures. Anyway, had to revive the old school nickname that was hardly used. It's such a good nickname.

Midnight Doodle.

2010-01-08T23:23:00.000-08:00

I'm a master with Paint.

Don't you hate feeling...

2010-01-08T13:28:00.000-08:00

insecure?

The Guide To Having A Successful 2010 - Part One.

2010-01-04T23:00:00.000-08:00

Hey all. I meant to post this earlier, but hey, I'm posting it now. If you are reading this post it's for a couple of reasons. Probably because you want to read about what crazy shit I have to say now. Probably because you have nothing better to do. But ultimately, it's because you probably had a shitty 2009 & you're dying to get any advice on how to have a better 2010. Well good for you. The first step to fixing a problem is admitting you have one & you came to the right place. I had a terrific 2009 even with all the mishaps, it just molded me into a better human. I can say that most of the mishaps I had were out of my control. I think. As oppose to my facebook & myspace friends who have had a bad 2009. 2009 should have been great for you too. Even with all the deaths going on, I was still pretty chipper. Umm..saying that I had a good 2009 shall be proof that my advice to you actually works. Oh, you want more proof? Well, I did whatever the fuck I wanted in 2009. How many people are able to say that? Moving on shall we...

So in order for your 2010 to be successful for you, you need to grasp the fact that you are the God of your own life. (No diss against your actual god. In theory, god is the creator of everything & choice. So he/she gives you choice to live.) You are in control of your own life. Yes, you can't control the people around you, but you can control how they affect your life & can influence people with the life you control. Nothings going to happen for you unless you make it happen. (With the exception of super gorgeous people who get everything handed to them & let's be real, if you know that you're not one of those people, cut your loss)

Two examples: Today you decided to get up in the morning & look, here you are @ the computer reading my post. & now you're benefiting. Another example is if you have a job & today you decided to go. Now you have a little bit more money then you had the day before. As oppose to if you didn't go or if you didn' t wake up, you'd still be in bed, doing shit & you'd still be @ home, doing whatever. Those are decisions you decided to make. So here's a little homework: The next time someone asks you to do something...something petty. Like if someone asks you if you want something specific to eat. Just say no & see what happens. Notice that by saying no, you affected incident in some way.

Just as you made those decisions, you have the choice to not make any decisions. LOL, but seriously. Whatever decision you decide to make is yours & ultimately it affects you. This is your life & really, life is all about decisions, but the key to having a good life is making decisions that benefit YOU!

Which brings me to my next point. You want to be happy right? Your ultimate goal in life is to make yourself happy. Well...do things for you. It's really okay to be selfish. It's okay to use people. That's what living is about. Your decision to use. It's not okay to use people in an abusive manner. It's not okay to over-use people & not let them use you. You gotta be useable in order to use. Relationships are about give & take, not take, take, take. So if you want to be selfish effectively you have to be able to know when to give & when to take. If you want to be happy you have to think of yourself and the only way to think of yourself is to stop thinking about what everyone else is doing. What outfit she chooses to wear is not going 2 get you where you want to go nor is the fact that Tiger Woods is a promiscuous guy. I'm telling you, nothing feels better than doing what you want to do, when you want.

Be malleable. Change is going to come inevitiably so you have to be prepared for it. It's like that question - when your house randomly sets on fire and you have to figure out which two possessions you are going to take. When change comes, you have to figure out what really matters and roll with it. Don't ever try to fight change. You're just making life harder for yourself, it's like swimming up stream. Don't think of change as a bad thing at all. Change is here to make aspects of your personality better. So when you fight change when you try to prevent change you're preventing you're progression. Now there maybe change that physically looks bad & yeah, it might feel bad, for example, death, but really we're all going to die. Death is a tool for the living to prioritize things in their lives and usually after the grief of death is done, a person will usually set forth motion into living their lives in a better way. Change with change is the changeless state - get it.

So the pinpoints of this are:

Realize you are in control of your own life.
Be selfish, put yourself first.
Don't fight change, change with change.

To Be Continued...

game time.

2010-01-04T18:51:00.000-08:00

i'm ready for 2010.

time to grow up.

i got my game face on and everything.

i cant fucking wait.

i feel that no one can get in my way.

happy face goes here. lol.

happy new years

2009-12-31T19:06:00.000-08:00

happy new years!

be safe everyone.

and have lots of fun.

Song Of The Day.

2009-12-30T13:11:00.000-08:00

Over the break when the chorus comes back, that's what makes this song special. The lyrics are empowering and nuturing at the same time. Gotta love it.

Climb up over the top.
Survey the state of the soul.
You’ve got to find out for yourself whether or not you’re truly trying.
Why not give it a shot?
Shake it, Take control & inevitably wind up
Finding for yourself
All the strengths you have inside of you.

♥

2009-12-30T02:22:00.000-08:00

I feel so good right now. I'm just chilling listening to Incubus. I wish you could feel what I'm feeling. It's light & fluffy & happy. I wasn't like this earlier. I think it's just the after affects of this movie I watched called "Broken English." I love indie love films. They all end realistically. Even if there is a little fairy tale to it, they never end where the person lives happily ever after or they never end when the person is completely fucked. They end where they're suppose to. I appreciate that.

I wish you could feel what I was feeling. It's good. It's like...nothing matters. Not you or me or anything else. It's just the melodies of the song that I'm listening to. That's it. Those notes hit my ears just right. You want to hear...

I feel inspired too. I feel like I can make things happen. I don't want this feeling to end. I guess that's the sucky part of life. But if this feeling was to ride out, I guess it wouldn't be a feeling anymore. :)

The Wedding Shoes.

2009-12-17T12:54:00.000-08:00

I don't believe in marriage, but I'd get married if I got to sport these shoes @ my wedding. Fuck up, huh?

Courtesy of Jak & Jil

Madness.

2009-12-03T00:43:00.000-08:00

Love, love, love this movie!

2009-12-02T13:06:00.000-08:00

I've said this on my old blog & I'll say it again. I loooooove this movie. Makes me want 2 crack open my blackbook & work on something myself. Earsnot is definitely what I call a real man & I still want 2 get up like Clawmoney!!!! Okay let's see. I want that Earsnot attitude w/ the Clawmoney creativity & the ENEM handstyle. That'll be bananas!!!! LOL. Here's one of my absolute favorite parts of the movie when ENEM talks about how he used to get up.

Starting @ 1:00 & ending @ 7:14.

Steal for the greater good...

2009-12-01T15:07:00.000-08:00

Song Of The Day.

2009-11-29T00:03:00.000-08:00

I love this re-make. Amanda Blank blows all over female rappers out of the water.

"i can believe that i found
desire for true love floating around inside my soul
because my soul is cold, one half of me deserves to be this way
until i'm old, but the other half needs affection and joy
and the warmth that is created by a girl and a boy."

Touch.

2009-11-27T22:05:00.001-08:00

Hey Turkey! Happy Thanksgiving!

2009-11-26T10:51:00.000-08:00

One of the best parts about thanksgiving besides eating.

Song Of The Day.

2009-11-25T10:59:00.000-08:00

"You were so beautiful, before today."

Greg Harris.

2009-11-25T10:44:00.000-08:00

My imagination caught fire when I saw these images by Greg Harris. Burning with ideas. I'm inspired.

"Adults." Written on 8/27/09.

2009-11-22T09:46:00.000-08:00

Yesterday, I went to 7-Eleven before work to stock up on snacks that I could take to the field trip. For those who don't know, I work @ a camp & yesterday's field trip was to Six Flags. Anywho, in the store came two campers w/ their dad & we chit-chatted, but I'm still unsure on if their dad knew that we, Sunnii & I, were counselors @ the park because we didn't have our uniform on & we had never met him. Whatever, after our chit-chat, he offered us a ride, but we declined because we had to go to Ralphs across the street.

On our way to work Sunnii brought up a question, "What if he offered us a ride because he thought we were campers?" - UGH!

My reply was "If that was the reason then I would be low-key pissed. "

Adult. In a sense, I hate that word. When I was younger, the word adult meant unhappy because every adult I was around always had a issue. Stressing about money, dealing w/ the opposite sex, dealing w/ society or living in the past - just stressing about some issue that made them unhappy. So yeah, I promised myself I would never grow up because I didn't want to deal with responsibility & the burdens that come w/ it. In some ways I didn't, but in other ways I did, involuntarily.

But there comes a time, say when you hit about twenty years old were you're caught. It's a time in between being a teenager & an adult. Some "Adults" call it being a "young adult." It's when you're old enough to make the decision to risk your life for your country, but your not old enough to make the decision to risk your own life by drinking alcohol. It's the time when you can go into sex shops, but you're still forced to go to teenage clubs because of the one year that you're lacking. It's that time when you're uncles & aunts & parents still treat you like a child when you go eat, but expects you to pick up the bill. It's the time when you're still called a kid, but you're tried in an adult criminal court. Oh & you can't have sex w/ someone a year younger than you or it'll count as statutory rape. Pretty much, it's that annoying half-way mark.

My problem is that supposely, turning 18 years old is the first step into legal adulthood. When really, most 18 year olds still live w/ their parents, have no responsibility & still has the mind state of a teenager. The only thing that makes them able to say that they're an adult is the law. But that's off topic. If I was a legal adult @ 18 then why the fuck am I still being treated like a child? Telling me that I'm just a child & calling me a kid. Then when I embrace it because everyone knows that kids got the life & it's not like I drink anyway, when I & act like a child in a sense of having fun & being careless, "Adults" get surprised & tell me that I am an adult & I shouldn't act that way. WTF? Just a minute ago, you sent me to the kids table & now I'm an adult?

amp; then there are some "Adults" that say that you're not an adult until you have a kid. So you're saying that I have 2 get knocked up in order 2 get some order around here? WTF?

I'm tired of this half-way shit. It's either @ the age of 20 that I'm an adult or still a kid & either one doesn't bother me. Or maybe the government should change the law & say that you're officially a legal adult @ 21 because it's stupid. You're legal when you're 18, you're legal enough to take up your own responsibilities, but you can;t have the responsibility to manage the way you drink alcohol or gamble or go to a maturer club, sign up for a credit card so you can get better credit. Qualify for a guardian for a child that you take care of in the first place. Wouldn't it be better to hand a kid a bottle of alcohol now when they have no real responsibilities and they're less likely to blow their lives. I guess this is the goverment metaphorically saying that they don't have too much faith in in the our family systems and the way American's raise their children.

Really, it's either all or nothing. All this half way, you're an adult sometimes & you're a kid sometimes is ridiculous. This is the reason why I never wanted to grow up in the first place, Adults are stupid & complicated.

Song Of The Day.

2009-11-21T23:55:00.000-08:00

Christmas Present.

2009-11-20T12:55:00.001-08:00

i know i aint too ghetto

2009-11-18T11:01:00.000-08:00

lmao this makes me laugh no matter how many times i seen it!

she sooooo ghetto!

assholes assholes go away!

2009-11-18T10:52:00.000-08:00

what is the matter with ppl.
why when ur feeling good they think its okay to bring u down?
like its ok to be an asshole to ur friends 4 no reason.
so is this the new trend?
not let anyone feel good about themselves!
is it because u dont feel good about u?
is it because ur just an asshole?
or did we do something to you and just didnt know it and ur too bitch ass to let us know?
doesnt matter!
stop it u assholes!

Song Of The Day.

2009-11-10T23:49:00.000-08:00

I first heard Anthony Hamilton's "Where Did It Go Wrong" on ATL & my first thought was "what is that noise?! It's beautiful." Needless to say, I got it on my iPod immediately & I've been grooving to it ever since. This is actually my favorite Anthony Hamilton song, besides "Since I've Seen You." Another little thing about Anthony Hamilton, he seems like a cool dude.

I made this last year.

2009-11-09T23:00:00.000-08:00

Just A Phase.

2009-11-09T00:19:00.000-08:00

Cigarette is fake. Smoking cigarettes are for wienuses. But they do look cool. So what's this post about? Me. Again. What I want & what I need. I want & need to be discovered & not like in a celebrity way, but...fuck it, you figure it out. Anywho, this post is about how I wanted to be discovered by someone or something that I would take interest in. How the hell do I keep getting dooped?

I remember saying, "hey, I want a guy to screw around with?" instead I got a female in a man's body. I remember saying, "hey, I want to get a job by the end of September." A billion applications later, it's earlier November & I'm jobless.

So now I'm back again it again, saying "hey, I want to be discovered & appreciated by something or somebody just as great as me?" Let's see how this goes.

My Beloved Cheetah Sister.

2009-11-06T00:53:00.000-08:00

What a site to see, isn't she? Well that's my Cheetah Sister. Sunnii. This was a message I was going to post to her in my away message on AIM, but it was way too long so I decided 2 post it on here:

"we agreed that 2day wasn't ur birthday, but since technically it is i decided 2 state some mushy words on the internet so the world can see how much of a good person u've been 2 me & how proud i am of you 4 conquering these 21 years. dude, ur like...the bees knees. ur the cat's meow. u're eight different types of great. if anyone were 2 try is harm u...i'd kill them niggah. LOL! i must say out of all the friendships i've had in my life, this is the best one. that's apparent because we're past the bestfriend shit. nope, we're too cool & smart 4 that shit. to be completely truthful, i'm pretty lucky 2 have a sister that's funny, logical & perverted like i am, & 2 be able 2 act completely dumb with. & don't forget the ravishing looks. without u man, i'd be dead. lmao, seriously, u saved me from traffic like eighty times already. yeah, i know anyone who reads this would be completely jealous of me because i have such a bomb ass friend. well, u can't be stingy w/ a person like her, so u can befriend her. just don't hurt her or i'll kill u niggah. oh & happy birthday rosemary!!!!!"

Song Of The Day.

2009-11-05T14:53:00.000-08:00

Fiona Apple's "Love Ridden." I'm not heartbroken, but if you listen to the song you will know why this is the song of the day.

Song Of The Day.

2009-10-31T01:05:00.000-07:00

I don't have much to say besides that this is an exceptional song & when I think of authentic Hip Hop, Mos Def is one of the first names I think of. This song is my medicine of the month. I'll leave you with the quote that catches me everytime I listen to it.

"Tell the tough guys we tougher than tough times."

Kenna x Kid Cudi.

2009-10-24T01:21:00.000-07:00

I found this video hilarious! Who would ever think that Kenna would be a beast in the studio? Big fan of both & I know that whatever they come out with is going to be pure FIRE! If you don't know who Kenna is, go buy an album.

I'll tell you what I'm staring at...

2009-10-23T23:26:00.000-07:00

As a female, a black female, you don't know how many altercations I've seen beginning with the question "What are you staring at?!" Ha ha.

Girls ask other girls this with full hostility as if the human species isn't interesting to look @. As if they're not a subject, with curves, angles, movement & sound. The question should be, why wouldn't I stare? Why wouldn't we stare @ anything with curves, angles, movement & sound? As a human, we look for things that entertain the eye. So if you find someone staring at you, think of it as you being their entertainment, don't be a party pooper. Make a silly face or something & add to their amusement. Just don't ask that inane question.

"What are you staring at?" That's like asking someone, "Why do you have eyes?"

What am I staring at? Well, let's do a process of elimination. If my eyes are directed straight at you for more than sixty seconds, then most likely I'm staring at you. That question was redundant because you & me both know that I'm staring at you. Maybe you should use your words correctly and ask "why" because asking "what" is stupid. You know what you are. Unless you want me to call you something other than what you are, don't ask "What are you staring @?" Because I'm going to feel as though your asking me a trick question & I'm going to say a cow.

If it's an insecurity issue on why you ask that stupid question then get over yourself. If you're a human, you're a flaw. Being human typically means that you aren't perfect because if you were perfect, you wouldn't be human. You'd be a robot or some kind of other kind of species. So with that being said, since you're human and the person that is staring at you is human as well, you have nothing to worry about. They have flaws too & they're too worried about their own flaws to be worried about your flaws.

There will be the case of a person staring because he/she thinks your ugly. SO! Different strokes for different folks. Yes it hurts, but you'll get over it.

I feel that every person, not just girls, should ask themselves "What am I doing that would caused me to be stared @?" before they ask "What are you staring @?" with that damn attitude. If you're causing a ruckus in a quiet neighbor, then yes people will stare @ you. Or if you and another girl are arch nemesis, then you know damn well why she's staring at you. Because she wants you to die. Get over yourself! But if you find yourself not being able to answer that question, just think of it as they find you interesting to look at.

mr. nothing

2009-10-21T14:30:00.000-07:00

Alright Mr.Nothing
Im bored so im going to write about nothing .
Nothing nothing nothing.
Nothing is a concept that describes the absence of anything at all.
And…
People all over the world are talking about nothing.
Nothing's the same everywhere you go.
Oh.
The things I do when its nothing to do.
Sometimes I like nothing sometimes I don’t .
You believe in nothing and you think I should too.
Oh how I Hate you when I have nothing to do.
I also hate you when theres nothing to eat .
I want nothing to do with pizza so get it up out my face.
That has nothing to do with nothing.?
Ehh ?
Well guess what I want nothing to do with you?
You smell like peas so you might as well be a piece of nothing too.
I really need to do something.
Ehh?
What?
Something?
A something in my nothing ?
Oh lord what am I’s to do ?
Nothing or something?
Welp I guess nothing is what im left with to do!

aww man

2009-10-20T15:45:00.001-07:00

i miss posting on here.
i'll be back soon.

Two Badasses.

2009-10-20T13:49:00.000-07:00

Style & Grace.

Enjoy.

What's stronger than pride?

2009-10-18T23:43:00.000-07:00

I don't want to feel wrong when what I'm doing feels right. It feels right to inflict misery on someone who has done me wrong. But misery is wrong. The right thing to do is to swallow my pride & fix the situation. I can't. My stomach's full of old pride & I don't think I have enough room to swallow anymore. Besides, why do I have to be the one to stop my pleasure for the sake of hurt feelings from someone who's done me wrong? I don't want to be the bigger person. I want things to go my way. Meaning, I want to do what I want to do until they get the hint & make things right.

Then comes that cliche line, "your loved one might die tomorrow & you want to end your relationship on bad terms." It's true. I don't want to end it on bad terms because the love that I had before I was done wrong is still there. And the cause of my misery distribution is because of something can be looked @ as petty. But like I said, my stomach's full of old pride & I can't swallow anymore.

So what do you do when you're full?

Hope that love is stronger than pride.

The Woman.

2009-10-10T23:44:00.000-07:00

I'm friends w/ a guy named "Sayne" on MySpace, a really talented graffiti artist. I saw that he uploaded some sketches & I decided to take a look. I ran into this. I've never met a guy my age who would actually sit there & sketch out a voluptuous woman. Well, I've never seen any artist do this, just photographers. I love it.

Mike Tyson.

2009-10-08T19:48:00.000-07:00

Earlier I watched his documentary & it gave me the most clear understanding of the inner-workings of his brain. I gain so much respect for him after watch it because he was completely honest & wellspoken. As a kid, I remember not liking him because I thought he was dumb as rocks. But in all actuality, he's actually very smart & very logical as to where he understand each event that has taken place in his life & why it happened & he's man enough to own up to the wrongs that he's done. After watching his documentary, I've come to find out that he is completely respectable & completely loveable. As soon as my first paycheck rolls in, I'm going to buy it.

Photo Of The Day: RIP Irving Penn.

2009-10-08T01:26:00.000-07:00

I hadn't posted this because I was looking for the perfect picture to post by Irving Penn. When I saw this, I thought, "this is it." His posture, his lit eyes. So simple, but not at all. I'm allured by the way his eyes pop out to me, it's a good photograph. Irving Penn is a master, indeed & he will continue to inspire my work.

My Land.

2009-10-08T00:58:00.000-07:00

I wish I had my very own photography studio were I could have complete control over everything to create the most beautiful picture in the world. This is in the process of being done. Whether it be a garage, I will have this.

Photo Of The Day.

2009-10-05T23:06:00.000-07:00

I got sucked into this photo the first time I saw it. I was reading Gordin Park's biography & saw this photo. My eyes seemed to really get sucked in by this. The child is so adorable & he reminds me of so many little black boys I've seen before. I feel a bit of angst to see him in pain. I just want everything to be okay & I just want things to be a little easier. Nostalgia, I guess. I'm getting all of these emotions from this one photo. Gordin Parks you are a terrific man.

Black Dynamite!

2009-10-05T22:59:00.000-07:00

HILARIUM!

My Little Cherub.

2009-10-04T23:43:00.000-07:00

She hid her wings 4 comfort. She's a saint.

The Electro Wars.

2009-10-02T14:34:00.000-07:00

The Electro Wars Teaser 2 from Stephen Alex Vasquez on Vimeo.

This should be interesting. LOL @ Reggaeton.

Knives Out.

2009-10-02T01:46:00.000-07:00

The name of this post is called "Knives Out" because I was listening 2 Radiohead as I was writing this. I got those glasses for free @ a yard sale. I'm going to replace the lens because I'm not an old lady yet, my vision's fine. In fact, I see clearer than ever. I'm going to be on my own for a while. It's not going to be easy to get used to, but I'll deal. I have no choice, but to deal.

Can it be all so simple?

2009-09-28T00:20:00.000-07:00

Two hours earlier I had watched one of my favorite films "American History X" & for those who've never seen it, go rent it. Everytime I watch it, I fall in love with the structure of the characters, the political and social views they bring up & the imagery. It sends me through a whirlwind of emotions each time, but that's besides the point.

This movie illustrated different types of hatred & miscommunication amongst civilization which eventually leads into a turmoil of unfortunate events. I couldn't help, but to get upset. I got upset with the hate & misunderstanding, I really don't know how to put it in any other words.

I just wish that every individual would treat another like they matter. Like they have feelings, emotions, stress, desires, past, loves. I want everyone to treat everyone as if every little movement a person did effect another person because in all reality, it does. I'm so sick of everyone disrespecting each other, pissing each other off, hurting each other's feelings because they're to lazy to communicate how they feel correctly. Really...I wish that people would try to be more understanding.

I understand that "life is too short" to worry about what other people are doing. But check this out, a person's whole life is going to be filled with people coming in & out of it. People actions & feelings are all interlocked because we all interact with eachother directly & indirectly. It just makes life run a little smoother if a person would try to be more patient & understanding, instead of snapping & disrespecting another person or just wasting your time being angry. Or wasting the other person's time by making them feel inadequate.

You ever felt inadequate before? You ever just feel like..lower than dirt, lower than shit? You ever just not fit in? It's a horrible feeling in the pit of your chest that some people try to get rid of by drinking, but as soon as they get sober, they feel it again. That nasty, clinching feeling of incapability, of not being good enough. Most of the time the only thought that sticks is the "not good" part. Everyone wants to be good. We're taught our whole life that not being good equals bad. & not being good can make people commit suicide.

So before you curse out that annoying friend that doesn't shut up or blow someone off or assume something about a person, just do a little research about the person. Find out why the person acts they way they do before you make any rash decisions & then if you find out that the person you are dealing with is genetically stupid or the root of all evil, then you rip them a new one.

So I leave you with a simple song. It's not complicated like most things in life.

its over

2009-09-24T16:28:00.000-07:00

all i can be is me so why is it that ppl cant get over it.

i dont understand what the problem is.

when they mad i have to be too?

no fuck that!

if i dont care about something dont try and make me and then get mad when it dont work.

dont put your feelings along my pink brick road and then get mad when i step all over it.

because

1 its my road and i do what i want.

2 i didnt tell you yo put your feelings on it.

SO FUCK YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!

im done draging around other people problems!

Song Of The Day.

2009-09-24T13:53:00.000-07:00

Miike Snow's "Black & Blue" was a nice song when I first started to listen to it, but as soon as I heard that electronica spin to it, I was instantly hooked. Enjoy.

September 23, 2009

2009-09-24T00:59:00.001-07:00

I can't really figure out the words to type to you. But...well, yesterday for me was like finding out that Superman wasn't that super. As a matter of fact, he wasn't super at all. He's just a man, a weak man. With or without kryptonite, he's just a weak man. The biggest disappointment I've ever had in a while. That was my day in a nutshell.

Jade.

2009-09-22T23:36:00.000-07:00

This is my new pink buddy. Her name is Jade. She's not impressed.

I Am A Witch.

2009-09-22T02:23:00.000-07:00

I could see it in his eyes that he hates every fiber of me. But in those same eyes I can see the complete admiration and adoration that keeps him coming back, going out of his way to please me. It kills him. I kill him. The thing is that I love to kill him. I love to be his human riddle and puzzle that he can never put the pieces together to. I love treating him like complete and utter shit because I know he isn't going anywhere because he wants to taste that sweetness of me again. & I hit his sweet tooth deep every time I'm sweet. He's going to weave through all the bullshit just so he can hear me say "Aww, you're the coolest." I can con him into anything as long as I use my sweet, caring, calm voice filled with empty compliments and useless facts about him, just to let him know that "I care."

The thing is, I don't care. Not one bit. Well, the most I care about him is the fact that I get to challenge myself by digging myself into a deep hole. Spewing remarks that'll crawl under his skin, making him feel less of a person just so he can hate me. I get into that hate hole just to see how long it would take me to get out of it and he'll desire me again. Then I can have that pleasureable blissful laugh. A hard laughter that'll last for minutes. Then I can dwell on how brilliant I am; my narcissism can be malignant at times. So in a way, I care about him because I need a challenge. Otherwise, if he disappeared, there would be no fret.

Why does he bother? Because when I'm sweet, I am the sweetest. Empathetic, compassionate and the most passionate lover he's ever encountered. But when I'm sour, I'm the most bitter of them all. And the crazy part is that I never really do anything extreme. It's just the detailed little things that join together and form a spontaneous combustion.

I sound heartless. But remember that the witch used to be a regular heart-filled human before she turned into a witch.

The Cheetah Sister Vlog: Episode One!

2009-09-19T17:01:00.000-07:00

It's finally up folks. I hope u guys enjoy our hard work.

CHEETAH SISTER VLOG MISHAPS.

2009-09-18T14:03:00.000-07:00

Okay. So, those of you who have participated in our internet show, we're still in process of getting it on the internet. We said we'd have it by Wednesday, sorry dudes, we'll probably have it up by the end of today. I have to cut up the 30 minute long show into 3 parts of ten to get it up on the internet. Soooo, we didn't lie to you & we're not flaking. We're just running on what they called "Colored People Time." So keep checking in on this blog & it shall be posted as soon as possible.

Song Of The Day.

2009-09-18T11:23:00.000-07:00

The Bird & The Bee's "Diamond Dave" is a sweet song that I feel in love with as I browsed the racks at a clothing store yesterday. I swear once you hear this song you will be singing it all day like I did until you get it on you iPod. It so swaying. I didn't know who the band was until yesterday and I looked them up on YouTube listened to more songs. I think we have another hit on our hands. & the video's funny too, it had Ken Jeong (the gay asian boss from the Hangover). Nostalgia of I don't what, but I love it. I couldn't get it on my blog because the embed code is restricted so you have to go look it up. And also look up "Polite Dance" by them too. I really love the duo bands that consists of a girl & a guy. Enjoy.

CHEETAH SISTERS VLOG...

2009-09-16T14:47:00.000-07:00

WILL PREMIERE @ 10PM!

STAY TUNED!

SEPT. 16, 2009

2009-09-11T20:29:00.000-07:00

i better see you guys on sept. 16, 2009.

and if i don't...

don't bother calling yo self "cool" ever again.

got that?

GOOD!

thats all i gots to say dude get up out my face.

lmao!

Day N' Nite (Crookers Remix) - Kid Cudi (Directed by BBGUN)

2009-09-11T01:09:00.000-07:00

Kid Cudi - Day 'N' Nite [Crookers remix] (Directed by BBGUN) from bbgun on Vimeo.

Okay so I ran into this video on one of my favorite blogs, "Herfection. & Then I pulled it up on Vimeo where I found out that this was uploaded 7 months ago & I think to myself...WTF was I doing seven whole months ago that I hadn't seen this magnificience on film?? This has really inspired my to try & direct music videos. It's so dark & gorgeous. So when I make music videos, I wanna be on some BBGUN status because they're dope. & Kid Cudi, u guy already know I'm a big fan. It's like magic.

[Written @ 8:33am] So yeah, I forgot 2 mention how the budget for this video was only $250. Pretty sweet & amazing.

CHEETAH SISTERS VLOG PREMIERES SEPT 16!

2009-09-11T00:18:00.000-07:00

Vlog Trailer #4: Klondike Bars & Baby Whales. from Cheetah Sisters on Vimeo.

C-San.

2009-09-08T22:23:00.000-07:00

C-San ft Casey veggies & K-Mak Cold World from chris sanford on Vimeo.

So, after watching this video w/ Sunnii, well, the outcome was that I am now a fan of C-San. Dude is good. His raps doesn't suck & there are a lot of rappers my age that are trying, but they just suck. I am so happy that he doesn't suck & he's actually good. He's not overloading his rhymes w/ metaphors & similes, it's just pure rhyming & I can really appreciate that. YES! I'm so happy that there are rappers my age that are trying to take it back to just simple rhyming & about a worthy subject. YES!!!

Anywho, this video is super creative & well edited. The director I must say inspired the hell out of me. & the concept...just watch the damn video. Enjoy.

Song Of The Day.

2009-09-08T14:25:00.000-07:00

Memphis Bleek's "1, 2 Ya'll." Some ol' hood shit. This shit is real. Some ol' indubitable shit niggah! LMAO! No, but I love this song. I miss the 90's. Man, what happened 2 Memphis Bleek? Why'd he have to fall off? I used to think he was the next big thing because his first two albums were tight. Anyways, here's another video just to show how cool he was:

So I was talking to my brother & Memphis Bleek wore a lot of simple clothes & just by his clothes you really wouldn't be able to tell what era he's living in because a lot of people still dress like this. I didn't even know that "What You Think Of That" was a Nas diss. You learn something new every day.

Don't trust the illusion.

2009-09-04T19:45:00.000-07:00

I found a book & strolled down memory lane. I came across this comment:

"I never thought about a guys as much as I think of him. It's like he haunts my thoughts. It gets irritating at times, but I love it. I have so many mixed feelings. Eventhough I said I wouldn't wait, I still find myself sitting outside for this boy."

I wrote that on October 13, 2005. I was sixteen years old. Though I was young & naive, I can never get over the fact of how foolish I was.

It's crazy how much a girl will do just to sustain the pleasure of being wanted. The pleasure of knowing that you are exclusively admired by someone for just being who you are (or who you pretend to be). Even a hint of interest from that certain guy, a girl will sometimes make up a whole illusion of how perfect the guy is. In actuallity, he's not that great, he just happened 2 be cute & interested @ the same time. LOL.

Yeah, it's pretty bad. That reason being because it's very hard for girls to find someone worth their time (unless that girl is a whore & whatever. do your thing.). Women outnumber men. So the men that are left are technically left-overs. Then women have to dig through the left-overs going through the types of men, going through bad experiences, all so they can find the man that "kinda" fits the girl. All the while, hoping that there is that man that was either accidently thrown back into the pile or just a guy that's not that bad. Too much work, but all this work is done in order to feel the consistant bliss of being wanted or needed & the sex (in some cases it's not that great). Some girls will compromise who they are just for that.

Yeah, anyways, the guy I wrote about before turned out to be a bratty depressant who was still in love with his ex. LMAO! Can we say interest fail? That was a big mistake.

Just...girls keep your dignity. Because you don't want to look back on the situation later on in your life and think, "He had chest hair. That's disgusting. I hate chest hair. What the fuck was I thinking?" Followed by a smack on the forhead by your hand. One of the worst feelings in the world is regret. Don't do it to yourself. Don't make that illusion for youself because when it smacks you in the face and you realize that you just made it up, your going to regret it.

Trust.

Damned.

2009-09-03T22:37:00.000-07:00

Well, I'm back to that point where I'm not satisfied with my life again. This happens a lot & I guess that's what happens when you're in the period of trying to progress.

Yeah, I'm trying to progress, but it's a lot of shit fucking with me. I won't reveal it. I don't trust revealing it. So instead of releasing all the problems going on, I let them out in little bits. I don't say too much. I haven't intentionally tried to hurt anybody physically or emotionally...yet. I'm scared that it might get to the point where I might take my aggressions out on the wrong person. Or maybe I'll have a "Fight Club" case & I'll suffer from insomnia & create an alter ego. Then everytime someone pisses me off, I'll shut down & turn into my alter ego & won't remember a thing. Or find myself even talking to my alter ego on the bus because I actually think that it's another person outside of me. But, I guess that'll be the best way to go. Then I won't be responsible for anything I've done that's harmful because insane people are always exempt from punishment.

What do you do if you're damned if you do & damned if you don't?

I'm working to get to the day where I'll be almost @ peace w/ myself. Until then, I need to find an outlet. I'm trying to make school that outlet & my photography of course.

I'm in dire need of some slack.

parents.....ugh!

2009-09-01T18:59:00.000-07:00

my parents.
i love them.
but they make me so mad sometimes.

1 they want me to act like an adult and when i do they get all pissed sayin i'm acting grown. its all or nothing with me either i act my age or i act like a kid. not half and fucking half.

2 always worried bout how i spend my money. everything i buy is your business why? i worked for my money. and just because you find it useless obviously i don't.

3 don't worry about how i dress! whats weird to you is bomb to me.

then when i tell them how i feel they get all but hurt.
idk what to do anymore.

God. Camp is over.

2009-08-27T23:24:00.000-07:00

Throughout the weeks, I've really come to love my job. I've grown so attached to the kids because they're all wonderful & hilarious. I dread that tomorrow's my last day. I wish I could be there year-round.

Smoke & Cabs.

2009-08-24T22:14:00.000-07:00

Sunday I was suppose to go to San Diego. Instead I took a bus to a cab to Habibi's Cafe w/ Sunnii. LOADS OF FUN! I LOVE CABS! LOL!

Got my nails done earlier, design inspired by yours truly.

Looking so presidential.

After a few repetitive puffs, I got light-headed. So did Sunnii. But we still continued.

Afterwards, we scoured Westwood looking for a late night eatery. We ended up @ Denny's. I wasn't in the mood 4 that.

I got chicken strips & I'm not really a fan of chicken strips. I'm like the only black person that doesn't like chicken strips that much. Anyway, after a while I stopped eating. I ended up not paying 4 the meal. (No, I didn't ditch the restaurant)

The fries were okay 4 a while. I guess I just wasn't in the mood.
Afterwards we had a phootshoot @ the bus stop.

"God! Bring me the bus!"

We took the bus half way & took another cab the other half. Yeah, a lot of money spent, but who cares. It was like 1am & I live around crack heads, go suck something. Anywho, mucho fun, muchaco.